When You Want Love So Much You Wish You Didn’t Want It Anymore

There’s nothing lonelier, in my book, than wanting to be loved and feeling like you’re the only one who doesn’t get to have it.

You see couples everywhere. Holding hands. Going away together. Getting engaged. Building a life.

And as much as you genuinely want to be happy for them, sometimes there’s that horrible knot in your stomach.

You smile. You say, “I’m so happy for you.”

And quietly, you’re praying that nobody can see how much it hurts.

Because you don’t want anyone to know how much you want to be loved.

You might even feel embarrassed by it.

Perhaps you’ve told yourself that you should be happy on your own. That you shouldn’t need anyone. That you should be grateful for the life you have.

And you probably are grateful for parts of it.

But you still want someone.

And somehow, that desire can start to feel like something you need to hide.

I hear this all the time from the women I work with.

They tell me it’s not just that they want to stop being single.

They want to stop wanting someone.

They want to stop caring.

Because wanting something so deeply and not having it can hurt.

So they try to convince themselves they don’t care anymore.

They tell themselves they’re better off alone.

They try to push down the hope.

Because sometimes it feels easier not to want something than to keep wanting it and wondering when, or if, it will ever happen.

And that’s where something else can begin to happen.

You start turning the situation back on yourself ...

Why does everyone else seem to find love?

What is it about me?

Why hasn’t it happened for me?

Am I too difficult?

Am I not attractive enough?

Am I too independent?

Am I somehow broken?

And those thoughts can become a loop.

The longer you’re single, the more evidence you seem to find for the story that there must be something wrong with you.

A disappointing date becomes proof.

Another relationship ending becomes proof.

Another wedding invitation becomes proof.

Another friend finding someone becomes proof.

Until being single stops being something that has happened in your life and starts becoming something you believe says something about who you are.

And I think that is so fucking lonely.

Because now you’re not just longing for love.

You’re carrying the belief that your lack of it means you’re somehow less worthy of it.

But wanting to be loved isn’t embarrassing.

Wanting a relationship doesn’t mean you’re needy.

And being lonely sometimes doesn’t mean you’re failing at being independent.

You’re allowed to want love.

You’re allowed to admit that it hurts when you don’t have it.

And you don’t have to shame yourself out of wanting something that matters to you.

Perhaps the question isn’t, “How do I stop wanting someone?”

Perhaps it’s:

“How do I stop making not having someone mean something is wrong with me?”

Because those are two very different things.

And that difference matters.